I don't know what it is - it's like when everything comes up around me and kind of chokes me out, I start thinking about all the crap that's hit me at one time or another.
I just don't know where to leave myself and because God knows that are a part of it is just a pity party or something like that, I can't cry or let it out....it's like I'm mute or just stuck in this little box with nowhere to go.
(just to tell you, I don't want or need any feedback on this, I just had to clear my mind a bit)
It's after that literal attempt to run away from it all does God finally allow the tears to come.
I just don't get it - why couldn't I just cry before so that I don't have to do all the other things leading up to it?
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It just reminds me of 'those days' .... where I didn't know where to leave myself and I just walked or ran as far as I could...why do I always have to be reminded of that time. The only peace or comfort that comes is when my heart is beating at a crazy speed, I start tasting blood in my throat because I'm just too out of shape and I then look up into the dark sky. The stars, the moon, that silence when you're in the middle of nowhere. The city lights disappear and I don't know what happens inside of me - I guess I realize how big it is out there and perhaps how small I am and that my problems or struggles are meager.
I don't mind the end result but I hate where I go to get there - how everything in that day goes sour, by my own will of course, but God always brings me back...no matter how long it takes.
Strange but oddly sweet.
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